Frances Ellen Speaks!

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

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I finally received an emailed joke that actually made me smile. I’m sharing.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed. “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” my wife said. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

I had a need to write about something frivolous this week. With the downturn of the stock markets, and the low roads being taken by the politicians, I’m thinking I need to raise my spirits.

So here goes. If you look up the word frivolous on the internet, here are some of the things you find.

How would you expand the powers of the vice-presidency? I’d make it so they could fly in space anytime they want to.

There were other really good answers to this question, too. Like, “I’d give the VP the power to prosecute individuals for wearing white after Labor Day. ” If you want to see more, go to Booman Tribune.

How about this? Here’s the newest luggage model from Samsonite. Stop in at Core77  to see more frivolous, whacky stuff.

Are you up for a frivolous lawsuit? There are many, but here’s a good one.

In 1991, Richard Harris sued Anheiser-Busch for $10,000 for false advertising. Harris  claimed to suffer from emotional distress in addition to mental and physical injury. Why? Because when he drank beer, he didn’t have any luck with the ladies, as promised in the TV ads. Harris also didn’t like that he got sick sometimes after he drank. The case was thrown out of court.

Whenever I feel somewhat off-balance, I tend to do something frivolous. This week was no exception. My vacuum cleaner blew up. It’s been acting strange for quite a while now, so its refusal to budge another inch came as no surprise, really. I decided its breakdown was a sign that I should do something frivolous to make myself feel better. So, I ordered an iRobot Roombah to do all future vacuuming for me.

I think I need to give my little robot a name so I can call to it while it works. Hmmm.

Before I even started reading this memoir, I had to chuckle over the Author’s Note. Matt wrote:

“I’m not going to feed you that same old baloney about how memory is imperfect…The truth is that while everything in this book happened, it didn’t always happen the way I say it did. Sometimes I changed names or descriptions of people and places. Big deal. Sometimes I altered chronology…made people look foolish when they weren’t so foolish, made people look good when they were fools…–I know you’ll love this one–said things happened in one place when they really happened somewhere else. Okay, so maybe that is a big deal…Some of this stuff is damn funny and some of it’s tragic. Just don’t take the window dressing too literally.”

I suppose Oprah would have apoplexy over that statement. It had the opposite effect on me. I wanted to read more.

You don’t expect a book written by a Jewish fellow to start off with a chapter involving Santa Claus, but this one does. The first chapter is titled Why I Don’t Believe In Santa Claus and it has nothing whatsoever to do with religion. As a matter of fact, Matt didn’t even know he was Jewish until he was in the second grade.

Abandoned as an infant by his mother, Matt was raised by his grandparents, while their daughter, his mother, chose to hobnob across Europe. If this makes the book sound like a tearjerker, pack that notion away. Although some chapters are poignant, for the most part, the book is fresh, humorous and, at times, uproarious.

His grandfather, who was a genteel, aristocratic gentleman, had the good luck to marry a woman who was a real firecracker. She jokingly referred to the Rothschild family as a crazy cult. Speaking to her husband, she made remarks like:

“…your cult’s had so much shock therapy that if they held hands, they could provide enough electricity to power New York City.”

Getting to know Matt’s grandmother through his eyes is an unforgettable trip you won’t want to miss.

Peppered throughout the memoir are other fascinating characters–Elaine, who once convinced him that since they spent so much money in FAO Schwartz they should be entitled to some free gifts, The Petty Thieves.  His short association with a reclusive old woman living in his building, who hadn’t been seen by any of her neighbors in thirty years, Greta Garbo Lives Next Door, leaves you wistful, wishing he had time to find out more about her.  And there was his third-grade teacher, Ms. Wood, who delighted in giving him D’s on his papers, which he hid from his grandparents until they were eventually found, All in the D’s. His grandmother didn’t pull any punches that day,

“Oh, Matthew, what the hell are these?”                                                            .

Although this book is written by a person who lived just steps away from the Metropolitan Museum of Art on Fifth Avenue, you never get the impression that it’s from the perspective of a rich kid. If anything, you feel Matt didn’t even realize he was rich until he reached puberty. (That’s another amusing story to read about).

What makes this memoir beautiful is that it is honest, in spite of what Matt tells you in the Author’s Note. His writing is witty, sincere, unerringly compassionate, hilarious and totally entertaining. Pick up this book; it’s a memorable read.

[Goodnight, Mr. Newman. We loved you.]

I’ve been recuperating from surgery and, believe me, it takes a lot of perseverance. I long to be 100% better, but recovery comes in small doses. It’s so gradual I can hardly recognize any change from day to day. I wish I could manufacture a little more patience. I admit I’m not known for a high patience quotient. I got to wondering how other people manage to persevere.

Look at this. It came from a blog written by William Biddle

Abraham Lincoln’s perseverance

1816, He had to work to support his family after they were forced out of their home.
1818, His mother died.
1831, Failed in business.
1832, Was defeated for legislature.
1832, Lost his job and couldn’t get into law school.
1833, Declared bankruptcy & spent the next 17 years of his life paying off the money he borrowed from friends to start his business.
1834, Was defeated for legislature again.
1835, Was engaged to be married, but his sweetheart died and his heart was broken.
1836, Had a nervous breakdown and spent the next six months in bed.
1838, Was defeated in becoming the speaker of the state legislature.
1840, Was defeated in becoming elector.
1843, Was defeated for Congress
1846, Was Defeated For Congress.
1848, Was defeated for Congress again.
1849, Was rejected for the job of land officer in his home state.
1854, Was defeated for Senate.
1856, Was defeated for Vice-President — got less than 100 votes.
1858, Was defeated for Senate for the third time.
1860, Was elected president of the United States.

Then there’s Louis Pasteur. He said, “Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity.”

So, alright. I guess I’ll try to persevere. Here’s one more example of perseverance. I know you’ll enjoy this one.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later, he calls, “Da-aad.”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?”
“No.”
Five minutes later, he calls again. “Da-aaaad.”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty.”
“I told you, no water. If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you.”
Five minutes later. “Da-aaaaaad. When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Well, that’s perseverance for you. It comes in all sizes.

If you are following my Chinese Zodiac articles, here are two more. Year of the Snake and Year of the Horse

Have you noticed it’s getting easier and easier to spend money?

Last week, I received a tiny booklet in the mail from QVC, which contained my very own personal membership number. To tell you the truth I wasn’t surprised, since a few weeks before I had somehow lost my mind while watching their programming. I bought three sterling silver rings, a bracelet, and some lovely food containers–all in one night.

I’ve purchased products from them in the past. The thing is, I hadn’t fired up my ultimate buying power all in one sitting before. Since I momentarily fell off my rocker that night, I guess QVC thought it would be an excellent idea to send me a membership number. Voila! Now I can buy whatever I want by punching in a few numbers on my phone’s keypad. How’s that for convenience?

Furthermore, I’m such a good customer of Amazon.com, they have bestowed upon me their one-click customer status. I click–they send.

It appears I’m not the only one having a hard time keeping money in my wallet. Maggie the Cat is evidently having the same problem.

Ive been spending money on books when i shouldn’t be spending money at all. I got the wonderful book “Elvgren” by Taschen it is so beautiful.

I suppose my way of thinking is similar to Terra’s over at Questionable Rationale.

As much as spending money sometimes stresses me out, I actually become stress free after a nice long (and sometimes expensive) shopping trip. I think it’s just bills that I hate paying.

Obviously, no matter how you do it, shopping feels good, at least in the moment. I have broken the habit of running to the mall, though. That’s a step in the right direction, right? Now, if I could only stay away from the TV and the laptop. Any suggestions?

Darn it…I missed Belly Laugh Day on January 24th. I bet you did, too. What a pity, because researchers are finding more and more evidence that laughter contains some pretty awesome benefits for our bodies and minds.

There’s a lot of research to prove the claims, but really now, haven’t you always known that laughing makes you feel good? Giggling is at the top of my list of things that overwhelm me with happiness. Making other people laugh and giggle comes in as a close second. Two people laughing is better than one. Three people laughing is a virtual party.

But if you’re intent on knowing “scientifically” why laughter is good for you, here are a few good sources.

University of Maryland School of Medicine

Using laughter-provoking movies to gauge the effect of emotions on cardiovascular health, researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore have shown for the first time that laughter is linked to healthy function of blood vessels. Laughter appears to cause the tissue that forms the inner lining of blood vessels, the endothelium, to dilate or expand in order to increase blood flow.

And just the anticipation of laughter is good for you.

National Post

The simple anticipation of “mirthful laughter” such as watching a comedy on television is enough to increase levels of health-protecting hormones in the body and decrease levels of potentially harmful stress-related hormones, research shows.

So the bottom line–laughter is a good thing. It’s a great stress reliever, even Abraham Lincoln recognized that.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die. ~Abraham Lincoln